I promised a cohort of mine I would post this. Not that he wanted me to, or that it is a good idea…because it certainly is NOT a good idea. It is PURE UNEQUIVOCAL GENIUS BABY!! I have SEEN the future. Want to know where the economy is headed? This is it! (And if you believe that, I can also sell you a bridge…to nowhere…)
UBER BLAME STORM
All the .COM companies that went belly-up in 2000 are going to rise up and start a class-action suit against the US government for discrimination!! Once lawyers catch the blame-wave, ANY company that failed in the last 30 years will jump on to the growing list of corporate welfare lawsuits!
INVESTING IN THE BLAME-STORM
Oh yeah, baby! Watch the DOW spike as people invest, like mice drooling at the moon (OK, real mice know it is not made of cheese, but the simile holds for investors at large). People will buy stock in companies, just to cash-in on the winning lawsuits. 11K will be nothing. The DOW will blow through the 20K line like a teenager blowing through cell minutes.
The courts will of course rule that the US government was indeed discriminatory (for whatever flavor of reasons, we can only imagine…as 31 will seem trite compared to the number of discrimination flavors available to justify these claims). But, since the pay-out will undoubtedly be some number like…5T or 10T (we are talking 30 years of corporate bankruptcy requiring immediate stimulus), the government will concede to its inability to pay – in effect the the government will be unable to honor the judgement against itself! And the world will watch the weirdest inversely-proportionate line trend ever…. the DOW will come plummeting down and the suicide rate will skyrocket. Mice will be jumping into traps on purpose, just because there is no cheese to be had, and the moon will remain in the sky – untouchable. (Again, no real mice were harmed in this rendition of our future, because real mice can’t buy stock. Sorry, Mickey, and those options Walt left you…yeah, you can’t exercise those either, bud.)
THE CIRCLE OF LIFE
This turbulent unrest will leave the government open to all kinds of strangeness. It is during this time that the American Indians will rise up, unify (the 1700s are over, baby!), and using their new socialist-casino model (It’s capitalism, only the house keeps 8%), they will nationalize the entire United States as the Usurped Sociocasino States Reformed. The military will be retrained, and the “USSR” will launch a massive scalping at the United Nations, followed by a complete succession from the global economy (like the US probably should have done – well, less the whole scalping thing). You know the line, “Just say no!” applies to most the stuff we’ve done since the 1970s, or probably even earlier, but I digress.
CHIEF “ISLE OF CAPRI”
Chief Isle of Capri will reign supreme over a closed economy based solely on a “house keeps 8%” model, all businesses will be nationalized, both the Sicilian Mob and Yakuza will be retrained with the tomahawk to protect the casinos, and the “USSR” will flourish! Although, your 401K is definitely effed. Yeeeee-Hawwww! (Roll Music: “Back in the USSR”). I’d better brush up on my Ute….
BAY OF PIGS 2
Of course, the next time “Bay of Pigs” comes around, the “USSR” will be talking pigs, literally. They will be parking them all over the place. Except in Haiti, because a pig only has a half life of about 4 seconds in Haiti. Will people PLEASE tell me how we can get those people some FOOD? Meh, that is a whole different diatribe.