When is it Right

I read a short piece by an aspiring artist on DeviantArt.  Her words, for her age seemed ahead of her time, and I know now…as someone who grew up well ahead of “my time”, that there is a whole “subculture” of wise people out there.  We don’t get shit-faced drunk all the time; we aren’t eager to share stories about how drunk and stupid we got; we don’t grind our naughty bits on every piece of meat that walks by; we don’t need drugs, brand names , to keep up with the Jone’s, to worship Hollywood like they know their ass from their elbow, and we sure as hell don’t need to fit in (we can choose to, but for the wise ones, it is truly an internally driven choice). We’re deep, mysterious, and in our early years we can spook people. Boo! Made you blink.

A crazy wall of horizontally and vertically stacked old books with a rustic blue wood door in the center. The words "Support MindFuel Blog on Patreon are shamelessly plastered over this fine image

I was one of those (who am I kidding, like any of this has changed much?).  Girls would be wrapped up in name brands and trends – the facade of beauty, guys would be seeing who they could suck face with, and later, how many “chicks” they could “score.” The words change. Now we have “snogging” and “hooking up,” like I give a fuck what it gets called.  The point is, I know the wise ones are out there…feeling alone, feeling like there is something wrong with them.

There is nothing wrong. Stand your ground.

To this girl, who candidly shared a story about a first kiss she has yet to experience, I felt compelled to respond — to  tell her there is no rush to conform.  The exact words were:

For someone who hasn’t the experience, your writings on the topic are pretty darn accurate – especially in the “firsts” category. Your candid style is what I enjoy most, so if I may dare to be as daring and reply in kind I would say all a person’s firsts are worth saving.

Our society gets locked around the act as though it is what takes a relationship to “the next level.” But, IMHO, it is the other way around. Having a meaningful relationship is what takes any first (or second or nine millionth) to the next level. Knowing you are with the right person, someone you can be yourself with, someone you can trust and enjoy without any game playing, someone who is worth trying to forge a future with…that is when it might be worth it.

You have always struck me as someone (based on what I have read) smarter than to be bested by raw chemistry. Many fall prey, but your wonderful imagination has done you a service. You’ve been there and back, so there is no need to rush anything – I will bet my 39 years on that

So whether it is a kiss, a grind, a base, getting juiced, getting laid, getting blown — whatever words are hip and trendy to describe these acts — they are all just physical acts.  Getting physical does not take a relationship to the next level and it never will.  Getting to know someone, fostering a mutual appreciation for one another, learning how to resolve conflict effectively and being there for each other through thick and thin, those are the things that take a relationship to the next level.  All the physical stuff will happen along the way, and yes there can be compatibility issues there as well: Frequency, style, attraction, and chemistry are all factors in a relationship, but they don’t define it. If they DO define it, you must be willing to look in the mirror and admit you are in a physical relationship – because that is all it is.

I look back and I’ve always been thankful I stood my ground when it came to not conforming to what others wanted me to do so they could justify their immaturity. If you’ve made a mistake, forgive yourself, and stand your ground next time. When it comes to being physical, don’t “give away” anything… ever.  It shouldn’t be like that.  I once had a girl tell me “girls give sex so they can get love, and guys give love so they can get sex.”  That…is completely unhealthy in my eyes.  Two people should want to love each other, and from that love they should want to express it physically with each other.  ‘Nuff said.

I know there are people who will read this and say they are glad they had their physical relationships…they enjoyed them, or maybe they are still enjoying them.  That is fine – there is no one size fits all approach to relationships, I suppose.  But this article is for those who feel pressured, maybe to belong, maybe to not be lonely, maybe because the chemistry is so powerful they find it hard to resist…and all I am saying is, don’t do it just for those reasons.  Do it if you truly want it.  If you are not sure, read through this article and decide: do you want a purely physical thing, or do you seek a more fulfilling, interdependent (not codependent) relationship? Know yourself, and make your choices from there…not for any other reason.


4 thoughts on “When is it Right”

  1. Well after I clicked enter with all my opinion in this box, I had forgotten to enter my email and when I backspaced everything I had written was gone, so I guess I’ll just have to shorten this!!!

    Girls and guys 16 under should limit themselves to experimenting, but not sex. Anything above should be trying a bit more, IMO. It’s good experience as long as they aren’t acting like hoebags. Just because a person hasn’t tried anything romantic or sexual, doesn’t make them more mature…I actually consider it a bit naive. The person could be mature beyond their years, but there is a piece of them that is still not mature.

    1. Yeah – I understand, I am just trying to state 2 things: #1 sex (experimenting or full on) is not what takes a relationship to a new level, and is not what makes a relationship “mature” as you put it. #2 People shouldn’t feel pressured into it, it should be mutual. I agree with your point – not trying anything romantic or sexual does not make them more mature…waiting until they are ready is what makes them more mature 🙂 I disagree with your statement of naivety – If a person decides to wait, it doesn’t make them naive – they are simply choosing to wait. The reasons may vary – for me, it was because IMHO fruit flies could have sex, it isn’t all that complicated to figure out, so I waited until I could be with someone I thought was worthy of sharing that with – someone I truly respected and who truly respected me, someone I could commit to and hopefully share my life with. Not everyone sees it that way, which is fine – I just don’t like seeing the artificial pressure being put on kids and young adults that suggest sex is what “growns up” do – it can be much more than just a physical act.

  2. Bravo Ted! O:

    My friend and I were talking about our parents being open (or rather, not open) about their own mature sexuality just a while back, and I couldn’t make a decision myself what to think about it. My parents are married, they love each other well enough, so why should I shudder at the thought of physical intimacy between these two adults? I’m still pretty immature for all my attempts, and I still think “mum and dad kissing” is pretty grody. O_O That’s what happens when sex is a taboo subject in the home, I guess. Anything related to physicality has to be an underground thing…
    But it is grody isn’t it? Fruit flies can figure it out XD

    That said, I’m glad my writing got you going enough to write this informative blag. I learned something probably pretty invaluable… Focus on emotion not copulation, rite? 😛

    1. I don’t think it is grody, haha – I think it can be a wonderful experience…but yes, I find it weird that people can’t discuss it openly: parents will show children how to eat, go potty, bathe, and every aspect of life, but then…for the most confusing subject of all, Oh No! Tape that off with the “crime scene” tape! On the other side is peer pressure to belittle parents – kids alienate the advice of some fairly wise (and hopefully loving) guardians at a time when they need that guidance the most because “it isn’t cool” to talk/listen to them.

      Thanks for writing your short story, and thanks for visiting! Yes – pure copulation is for fruit flies, and a true relationship takes time to foster. Emotion is important – but agreeing on what the emotions mean is also important…that’s where the disconnect can happen: one partner thinks the kiss begins a relationship, the other thinks they can’t wait to kiss 20 other people…both enjoyed the kiss, but one’s going to be let down!

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