OK, are you actually going to watch this movie? I mean, it has been out for a while, so I hope you don’t mind if I tell you she wakes up at the end and it was all just a fever dream.
So let’s start with the sophomoric storyline. God is “tired of all the bullshit” – yes, that is a quote so important, they use it twice – so he sends a legion of cussing, human-posessing, demonic, bloodthirsty angel-warriors from NCC-7666 (or Battlestar Heaven) to exterminate the human condition permanently. That… that is just plain silliness.
Even if somewhere in pre-digital history, some monk just accidentally added the line where God promised never to kill his children again (ref the big bad flood that took out the pagans the first time) – even if that line was never there, we are talking about an omniscient being. OK, even if He/She, as luck would have it, wasn’t completely omniscient… you know, just sort-of, uh, “mostly-knowing, can fart planets, create life as we know it”-type powerful (I know, such a let down, huh?)…even if that were true – the foundation of the storyline just comes across to me as plain, old silly.
And what is with these angels that are supposed to be warriors? Who are they fighting…Demons? Like there is some cosmic battle and planet earth is like the Gaza strip battlefield for all mankind? Come ON! Our planet is 8,000 miles in diameter. Our Solar System is around 7 – 9 TRILLION miles wide, our Milky Way galaxy is about 600 QUADRILLION miles wide, and the universe has lots and lots and lots (and lots) of galaxies. So, all this attention focused on earthlings? Humor! Arr!
And how come, if there is a legion of them, do we only see like 80 of them actually attacking…in the Mohave desert, driving very badly, and….AND…being fended OFF by 7 rag-tag convenience gas-store customers/attendants. Really? I am supposed to believe that, even momentarily, for really real? OK, I will admit it… I bought in for at LEAST 3.7 seconds, but I was taking a swig of my Mystic Mango Carrot juice, in my defense!
I could keep going, but I will just stop with the storyline shotgun festival (aww, but it was so much fun!), to get on to the Sage Speculation. Yes, in all this laughably disgusting mayhem, I did stumble across some interesting points of speculation… things actually worth thinking about (IMHO).
First, there was this interesting contemplation on faith. What it is to have faith, and have hope, even when there is no reason to have it. Hope and faith defy reason. That’s why they exist! The Arizona Cardinals made it to the Super Bowl. And, somewhere in this world is at least one person who braved ridicule, being spit on, and probably more wedgies than my butt crack wants to even imagine…because this person stuck by their faith, against ALL ODDS, that someday they KNEW the Cardinals would make it. Does that help put it into perspective? This movie actually champions that kind of faith – and the characters in the movie, regardless of how predictable, actually all contribute to that belief in their own way. That’s worth thinking about. That’s even worth believing! No, not just the Cardinals…believing in faith and hope. Those are good things. Points++ for the silly movie.
Second, there was an interesting twist. I really liked this twist, because the movie reminded me of an idiot savant…out of a movie that is suffering from obvious developmental disorders, comes a moment of brilliance. A flash…like Sharon Stone’s crotch shot in Basic Instinct, I almost had to pause the movie and take it frame by frame. OK, I confess, I actually did that with Basic Instinct. But I was taking a swig of my Mystic Mango Carrot juice, in my defense! I can’t believe we’re discussing faith and Sharon Stone’s crotch in the same paragraph!
Let’s start his over. The second twist is this: what if God were a mostly-knowing, psuedo-omniscient, angel-army wielding God? What if He/She could have a bad day and wake up to say…”I used to love them. but I had to kill them!” What then? What if God could wake up with a really bad hang-over, a case of bad gas, and be like…”That’s it! You brats really know how to push all of Daddy’s buttons. But guess who’s pressing the button now, punks!? That’s right, I’ve had enough of your prissy attitude!” (Click) The answer, according to the lead character is… continue to have hope and faith, even when you feel God Himself has foresaken his children. How’s that for a deep message buried in a shallow movie? Slick.
The third and final thing I contemplated was this… what happens to all the hundreds of millions, if not billions, of people that died in the apocalypse? Do they all get “get out of hell free” cards? Or do they get to file an appeal… how long do they have to wait for a second judgment?
So that’s it… shallow story, deep thoughts…oh, yeah, and what was up with Gabriel’s battery operated dildo weapon? I mean… I don’t know, I just… that whole fight was so hopelessly fake that when the dildo spun up and started vibrating I actually had to laugh. Where do angels get those weapons, and why is it their wings are bullet proof shields, but their bodies are not bullet proof? And why do humans have cooler weapons than angels? “I will smite you with my mighty Slap Chop!” “Really? Let’s see if your feathers can fend off this Rocket Powered Grenade, fuck head.” S-S-S-S-S-Slap-ap-ap-ap Ch-ch-chop – op -op – op.